use this.

While helping her sister open her gifts...

"It looks like I could use this!"

popsicle.

"Um, Mommy? I want a popsicle to go with Rapunzel when I'm done eating my lunch."

plan.

 After sharing our Christmas Eve plans...

"Thank you for letting me hear your plan. That's a good plan. Now I don't want to hear any more questions out of you. Okay?"

one foot.

While I'm laying sick on the couch, Kenley comes and plunks down on me...

Kenley: "I love you."
Me: "I love you too, but can you not come within three feet of me?"
Kenley: "But I only have one foot!"

my life.

After staying home from school sick and our dog getting loose outside...

"This is just my life. This is not my life. We don't have a dog anymore."

does it right.

Kenley: "I'm so hungry."
Aunty Debbie: "Hang on, I need coffee. I don't even know what's goin' on yet."
Kenley: "You don't know what's going on, cause you're not doing it right. My mom does it right."

antique.

Kenley: "Dad, what's an antique?"
Daddy: "It's something old, kinda like your dad."
Kenley: "And like Aunty Shannon?"

goin' on.

In response to her sister throwing a fit...

"Why is this even goin' on?!"

top secret.

Kenley: "What are you doing?"
Daddy: "It's top secret."
Kenley: "I'll look away." *shields eyes*

creepy thing.

After seeing her Elf on the Shelf for the first time this year...

"Where'd you get that creepy thing from? Oh, it's my Elf!"

no fork.

 After serving her lunch...

"I didn't want no fork or no plate!"

watchin' you.

Following a third request to put her jacket on...

Kenley: *jabs finger at her Elf on the Shelf* "You're bein' mean, and he's watchin' you!"

surprise.

Kenley: "Mommy, I got a surprise for you!"
*I hold my hands out and Kenley pulls her hands out from behind her back, revealing a giant booger on her finger*
Me: "That's not a surprise, that's a booger."
Kenley: "Oh."
Me: "But thank you for bringing it to me."

ears.

After getting a talking to about being mean to her sister...

"If I didn't have ears, I'm not gonna listen to ANYTHING!"

pajama drawer.

Me: "Do any of the other kids in your class have an Elf on the Shelf?"
Kenley: "No. I wonder if he has a pajama drawer."
Me: "A pajama drawer?"
Kenley: "Yeah, because when the sun goes down, the moon comes up, and he puts his pajamas on and goes to bed."

thursday.

Aunty Shannon: "So, when do you get tired?"
Kenley: "Thursday."

angels.

 Following a conversation about angels...

"So angels protect us from scary stuff, like coyotes? And bears? And monsters? And ghostes, skeletons, and spiders?"

done now.

"That's done now. That messed my hair up."

drink wind.

*Kenley gets out of bed and comes downstairs while I'm playing Xbox*

Kenley: "Mom, what are you doing?"
Me: "I'm playing an adult game, and if I had some, I'd drink some wind, too. You need to go to bed."
Kenley: "But...  I want to play a game, and drink wind, too!"
Daddy: "Maybe tomorrow when you get home. Er...wait, no wine for you."

not safe.

*Kenley is playing with toys on the couch when her little sister approaches*

"It's not safe here anymore!"

not gonna happen.

Kenley: "Mom, can I have my apple cut up on my princess plate?"
*Serves her apple on her plate*
Kenley: "No, not this one. The one with all the princesses on it."
Me: "Well, sorry, I already dirtied this one. You can have the other one for lunch."
Kenley: "Um, no. That's not gonna happen."

dark.

*I turn the light off in the kitchen*
Kenley: "It's dark in here."
*I turn the lamp on in the living room*
Kenley: "For one thing, it's not dark in here."

dinner time.

Me: "Kenley, are you ready to eat?"
Kenley: "No."
Me: "Well, it's dinner time."
Kenley: "I'm ready now."

azhausted.

"I'm azhausted of you."

say too much.

Kenley: "Can you get me outta here so I can go to camp?"
Me: "We're not going to camp until Dad gets back."
Kenley: "Where did Dad and his friend go?"
Me: "They went to cut some trees."
Kenley: *blows raspberry*
Me: "Yeah, that's what I say, too."
Kenley: "You say too much."

spoil.

Kenley: "Can I wear my shoes at Casey's house?"
Me: "No, you have to take them off, but you can wear your Stompeez."
Kenley: *giggling*
Me: "What are you laughing about?"
Kenley: "I don't want to spoil them."
Me: "Spoil what?"
Kenley: "Casey and her baby."
Me: "Spoil them? With what?"
Kenley: *laughing* "My Stompeez!"

ketchup.

Me: "How do you like your eggs?"
Kenley: "Ketchup."

Bay-Bay.

"I got a baby in my belly, a baby in my belly. My first bay-bay."

Danger Trick.

"Miss Kim broked her head with a danger trick, and it's this..."  *lays on back on floor and puts feet up by ears*

Dummies.

As we pull in to the grocery store parking lot...

"Mom, these people are parked like dummies."

Goin' Store.

Kenley: "I'm goin' to the store, do you want anything?"
Me: "How about just a peanut butter sandwich."
Kenley: "They don't have any."
Me: "Oh, they don't? How about some bananas?"
Kenley: "And some wind?"
Me: "Sure, some wind would be great."

Kensley.

An aide at school has been calling Kenley "Kensley." Grandma & I had a discussion with Kenley to tell her how to explain to the aide that her name is "Kenley," which included telling her "my name is Kenley, not Kensley", and "there is no 'S' in my name."

Grandma: *teasing* "What are you doing, Kensley?"
Kenley: "My name doesn't start with a 'C'!"

New Baby.

"I want a new baby...because Adley's mean to me."

Knock Knock.

Kenley: "Knock knock."
Me: "Who's there?"
Kenley: "Bananas."
Me: "Bananas who?"
Kenley: "Kenley!"
Me: "Kenley?"
Kenley: "Kenley Bananas!"

Sucker & Sticker.

*Daddy mentions he has to stop at the bank*

"Ah, Dad? Can you get a sucker and a sticker for me?"

Hairball.

*Daddy throws a diaper at the garbage can*

Daddy: "Air ball."
Kenley: "You're a hairball!"

Anudder Baby.

Kenley: "I want anudder baby."
Daddy: "Why? You're mean to the one we already have."
Kenley: "But, we need a new one because she's always hittin' me."

Just a Kid.

"Mommy, you'll never stop me because...  I'm just a kid!"

I'm a Kid.

Kenley: "What is that?"
Me: "A breakfast burrito. What are you?"
Kenley: "I'm a kid, and my name is Kenley."

Cream.

"If you go in the lake, fireworks will start and you'll get a sunburn. Then you'll get a band-aid on and have to get that cream on."

Lettuce.

"There's lettuce in my lunchbox!"

Assaulted.

Daddy: "I tried to lay back down but I got brutally assaulted by two tiny people."
Kenley: *jabs finger at herself then her sister* "Me. Adley."

Purple Toothpaste.

Kenley: "Mmm, it's warm!"
Me: "Is it good?"
Kenley: "It's better than like, purple toothpaste."

What To Do.

"I love you very much, too, but I don't know what to do with you."

Squawk.

Kenley: *ridiculously loud and nauseating parrot squawk noise*
Me: "Stop.Why do you make that noise?"
Kenley: "Because I'm, I'm so excited...  to make that noise."

Money.

Kenley: "Can we go to the store and get a Baby Bottle Bop?"
Me: "No."
Kenley: "But why not?!"
Me: "Because I don't have any money."
Kenley: "But can't you go get money? From the bank?"

Adult.

Kenley: "Mom, are you a girl?"
Me: "Yes."
Kenley: "And is Dad a boy?"
Me: "Yup."
Kenley: "And are you an adult?"
Me: "Yup."
Kenley: "And Dad is an adult?"
Me: "Yes."
Kenley: "So do you drink wind?"
Me: "Yep. It's an adult drink."
Kenley: "I don't like that stuff."

Bacon.

Me:"You'll like it. It's got bacon in it."
Kenley: "Bacon? I like bacon!"
Me: "Me too. Who doesn't?"
Kenley: "Um, cats."

Ice Cream.

"Daddy bought me sticky ice cream and I am so upset."

Bonus.

After picking a booger...

"A booger. Bonus. Bonus round."

Too Many.

Upon Kenley's arrival home from her first day at Head Start...

Me: "What did you do today?"
Kenley: "I have too many words."

Connected.

"And my feet...  and my legs...  and my tummy...  Why am I connected?"

Puked.

Kenley: "Um, I puked in the tub."
Me: "You puked in my tub?! How come?"
Kenley: "I was real full."

Pedialyte.

"Mom, I need to drink Pedialyte to feel better because I think I have a cold."

Mohawk.

Kenley: "My belly's gonna be full as a mohawk."
Me: "A mohawk?"
*shakes head*
Me: "What's a mohawk?"
Kenley: "When your belly's really full from eatin' lots of dinner."

Green.

Kenley: "What is this?"
Me: "That looks like a green pepper."
Kenley: "I don't like them. They make me turn green."

Hairy Gorilla.

*Kenley punching Daddy's belly*
Daddy: "Do I look like a jelly belly?"
Kenley: "No."
Daddy: "Well what does it look like?"
Kenley: "A hairy gorilla."

Too Many Words.

Kenley: "Mom, is my teacher a boy?"
Me: "No, she's a girl. Why do you ask?"
Kenley: "Cuz I got too many words."

S'mores.

Me: "I love you more than marshmallows. I love you more than s'mores.  And candy."
Kenley: "I love you and s'mores and candy, too!"

Turd Floor.

Kenley: "Oooh! Oh! I left a big turd! I'm so sorry about that! I'm so sorry!"
Daddy: "In the toilet?"
Kenley: "No! On the floor!"
Daddy: "So you pooped your pants then?"
Kenley: "No!"
Daddy: "So you're saying you pooped the floor?"

Bed Time.

"Guys? Guys! It is WAY past your bed time."

Chin.

Kenley: "Mom. Give me your chin."
Me: "No. What do you need my chin for?"
Kenley: "Because." *I lean in and she grabs my chin in her hand and looks straight in to my eyes* "You and dad need to swim at the beach with me."

Picky Things.

I was laying down with my arm up over my head when Kenley catches a glimpse of my in-need-of-a-shave armpit...

"Oooh, look at those picky things!"

Celery Sticks.

"I love you. And I like celery sticks."

Three Days.

"Mom, I love you. For three days."

Monkeys.

While watching Tarzan...

Kenley: "Why do monkeys cry?"
Me: "For the same reasons you do, I guess. Why do you cry?"
Kenley: "When I want something. When I want a popsicle."

Credit.

During a discussion about healthy habits...

Kenley: "I go to bed, I drink water, I eat my food, I take naps, I brush my teeth."
Me: "Yeah, you're pretty good at all of those, but I don't know if I can give you credit for taking naps."
Kenley: "Well what can you give me a credit for?"

Tree Frogs.

*After seeing tree frogs on Sesame Street...*

Kenley: "Mom, what do tree frogs do?"
Me: "They live in trees."
Kenley: "So they're all like, 'I'm a frog and I live in a tree?'"
Me: *laughs* "Yup, I guess so."

Nasty Kids.

*In response to me picking up my niece*

"Do not pick her nasty kids up.*

Other Side.

Kenley: "I want to lay down at the other end."
Me: "Why? I just made your bed all nice for you."
Kenley: "Because I want to see everything there is to see from the other side."

Boo-Boo.

Kenley: "Can you put some cream on my boo-boo?"
Me: "Of course. *applies cream* That'll make it feel better."
Kenley: "What else makes it feel better?"
Me: *kisses boo-boo* "That will definitely help."
Kenley: "TV will help, too."
Me: "You're a shyster. Nice try."

Squirtin'.

*Upon seeing some boys outside with squirt guns...*

"The boys are squirtin'!  Those boys! They're squirtin'!"

Storyteller.

Kenley: "Elmo got burnt."
Me: "And how did Elmo get burned?"
Kenley: "Adley made a fire."
Me: "So you're saying your sister started a fire?"
Kenley: "Yes."
Me: "You're quite the storyteller, aren't you?"
Kenley: "Thank you, Mom."

Boob.

"The bunny is checkin' your boobs out."

Easter.

"I hit Grandma in the easter three times."

(Easter = keyster)

My House

Me: "This is my house. I make the rules."
Kenley: "It's my house."
Me: "No, it's my house."
Kenley: "But it's my house, too! We can share it!"

Years.

Kenley: "I'm thirsty."
Me: "Well it just so happens that I have a chocolate milk right here.  Would that interest you?"
Kenley: "YES. I've been dreamin' of that for years."

Know You.

*While walking by her piggy bank...*

"I don't know you."

Teach You.

Kenley: "Can I have some of that pizza?"
Me: "No."
Kenley: *holds up her bear* "She's the teacher, and she's gonna teach you to learn how to give kids pizza."

Knife.

*While watching me cut up strawberries...*

"When I get big, I'm gonna cut things up with a knife. Does that sound like a plan?"

My Bad.

Kenley: "What are you eatin'?"
Me: "Cereal."
Kenley: "It's not cereal, it's Captain Crunch!"
Me: "My bad."
Kenley: "No, you're my mom. And you're not bad."

They're Friends.

*Kenley's rationale on why I should also buy her an inflatable Dora to partner with her inflatable Diego...*

"Mom, I think you need to buy me Dora the Explora, too, because her and Diego are friends."

Wind.

*While watching Handy Manny…*

"When I get bigger, I'm gonna build. And drink wind."

(Wind=wine)

Five Seconds.

Me: "Kenley, come on over here and sit down."
Kenley: "I just wanna sit down and have my snack for five seconds."

Crown.

*I mistakenly removed my "crown" after being made the princess…*

"You gotta wear this. If you take it off again I'll be mad."

Just Watchin'.

Me: "Kenley, what are you doing?"
Kenley: "I'm just watchin' the neighbors out the window."

Dangerous.

*Kenley singing*

"Row, row, row your boat.  Kenley's a crazy driver. Dangerous, dangerous, danger danger dangerous."

Crazy Driver.

*Kenley singing while out in the paddle boat...*

"Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. Merrily,merrily, merrily, merrily, Mom's a crazy driver."

Mission.

Me: "Alright, Kenley, it's time to go."
Kenley: "I need to keep swimmin'. I'm on a mission."

Clap Your Hands.

*Kenley singing*

"If you're happy in your nose, clap your hands."

Irritatin'.

*With hands on hips*

"You guys are irritatin'."

Zaster.

*While in the bath tub...*

Kenley: "Mom, can you get Adley out of here?"
Me: "No, why do I need to take Adley out of the tub?"
Kenley: "She's a 'zaster."

Nice Sister.

"I like Adley, but she hits me. I want a nice sister."

Bum Cream.

Kenley: "I need bum cream."
Me: "You need bum cream?"
Kenley: "Because I got hair in my butt."

Let's Talk.

Kenley: "Mom, we needa talk about this."
Me: "Talk about what?"
Kenley: "My sister."
Me: "Okay, what about your sister?"
Kenley: "My sister is mean to me because I'm mean to her, and I'm mean to you, and I scratch you and pull your hair."

Music.

Me: "Kenley, can you grab me those balloons?"
Kenley: "Wait. I gotta put some music on. For your party. It's lovely."

Simply I Talk.

Kenley: "We have to have a talk with the balloon."
Daddy: "The balloon don't talk, how are we gonna talk to the balloon?"
Kenley: "No, simply I talk."

New Baby.

*Kenley sees a baby on a movie...*

Kenley: "We need a new baby."
Me: "What's wrong with the baby we have?!"
Kenley: "I need a new baby that doesn't hit me."

Camel Toe.

*Kenley pulls off her shoe and shows me that her sock is stuck between two of her toes...*

"Mom! I got a camel toe!"

*Much muffled laughter ensues*

i ate it.

Me: "Why do you smell like perfume, Kenley?"

Kenley: "Cuz I ate it."

Me: "You ate perfume?"

Daddy: "It was deodorant."

Me: "You ate deodorant?"

Kenley: "Yeah, I licked it."

Beast.

"Mom... you're a beast."

Poop Dinner.

*Daddy is outside raking up dog poop while the grill is heating up. Kenley yells to him out the window...*

"Dad! Why you cookin' the poop dinner!?"

Hafta Talk.

Kenley: "Mom! Come and play in the sand with me!"
Me: "I'm going to take your sister back to the house. She doesn't like the sand."
Kenley: "We're gonna hafta talk about this."

Cereal & Cupcake.

Me: "What should we have for dinner, Kenley?"
Kenley: "How 'bout cereal...  and a cupcake!"

That Stuff.

 Kenley drags the fridge open for some beef jerky...

"You should try some of dad's delicious, yummy, delicious...  *points at it* that stuff!"

Screamin'.

After explaining that we were going to Head Start screening...

"We're going to the Head Start Screamin' tomorrow."

Hello Kitty.

While cruising eBay...

Me: "Kenley, I gotta ask ya.  Why's Hello Kitty stuff so expensive?"
Kenley: "Because Hello Kitty's for kids! Not for big people!"

Fever.

Me: "Do you want to talk to Grandma?"
Kenley: "No."
Me: "Why not?"
Kenley: "Because I have a fever."

Tub Bubbles.

*I notice bubbles in the tub and the Kenley starts giggling...*

Me: "Did you fart in my tub? What do you say?"
Kenley: *giggling* "I maked bubbles! I'm gonna try again..."  *grunts*

Kiddin'.

"Are you kiddin' me guys?"

Don't Follow Me

Kenley: *gives "one second" finger* "I will be right back to drink my pop"
Me: "Oh, where are you going?"
Kenley: "I'm going potty. Don't follow me, okay?"

Toilet.

*Kenley emerges from the bathroom crying...*

Me: "What's wrong?"
Kenley: "I was wipin' my butt and I hit my head on the wall."
Me: "So you fell off the toilet?"
Kenley: "Yeah!"

Reasons Why Kenley Is Short-Circuiting

Anything at any time can set off my 2-year-old. Here is a compilation of fuse-lighting maneuvers:

-I won't let her have pop and an ice cube

-I told her she can't have raspberries until later

-I didn't "peel" her string cheese

-I won't purchase a "Baby Bottle Bop"

Baby Poop.

"I smell baby poop. Yuck! Can you change Adley's diaper?"

Keys are gone.

Kenley: "Can we listen to the "keys are gone" song?"
Me: "What song is that? How does it go?"
Kenley: *holds up hands* "You can just put it on the 'puter."

Oscapus.

Kenley: "There's a oscapus in my cup."
Me: "An octopus? How'd that get there?"
Kenley: "It was in the ocean, I think."
Me: "So he was swimming in the ocean and landed in your cup?"
Kenley: "Yeah.  He was swimming in the ocean and now he's in my cup."

McDonald's.

*Hearing some coughing from the back seat*

Me: "Are you okay, Keni?"
Kenley: "The McDonald's would make me feel better."

Livery.

Me: "You should be getting some books in the mail soon."
Kenley: "It'll be a special livery!"

I Love You.

Me: "Kenley, I love you."
Kenley: "Yeah, you love me all the time."

App Store.

*After seeing a commercial for a Disney game...*

"I want that from the App Store. For me."

Cat hair.

Me: "What are you eating?"
Kenley: "Nothin'."
Me: "Kenley, don't lie. I can see you chewing on something. What is it?"
Kenley: "I'm eatin' cat hair."

Hungry.

"Mom, I'm hungry. I want a cold hot dog in my hand."

Loop.

Me: "Can I have a Dora fruit snack?"
Kenley: "Absolooply."

Just One.

Kenley: "Mom, do you have a baby in your belly anymore?"
Me: "No, not anymore. That baby was Adley, remember? Am I allowed to have another baby in my belly again?"
Kenley: "Yeah, but just one baby. Not two babies."
Me: "Oh, so only one baby then?"
Kenley: "Yeah. Jade is one, Ivan is two. Just one baby."

Not carin'.

*While scolding her about something...*

"I'm not carin' anymore!"

Peed.

"Ooohhh, I just peed a little bit Daddy."

Lovely.

"Can we put that coin in Adley's piggy bank? It would be lovely."

Jerk.

"Mom, I love you. You're not a jerk."

No pop.

"Dad, Mom said no. She said I can't have pop. So Dad, can you get me some pop?"

Talkin'.

"You're always just talkin'."

Quiet down.

"Mom, why are you singin'? You can quiet down and not sing."

Ice cream.

*While eating ice cream..."

Kenley: "Ohh, I feel like this." *clamps hand to forehead*
Daddy: "Oh, you probably have an ice cream headache."
Kenley: "Ohh, I got a headache. I gotta lay down in the cage."

(The cage is the baby's play yard.)

Boring.

After our overnight trip...

Daddy: "Now we're back to boring old home."
Kenley: "Mmhmm, we gotta get out of here."

Grandpa says...

*Kenley looking for suggestions for her never-ending rendition of "The Wheels on the Bus"...*

Kenley: "What does Grandma sound like?"
Me: "I don't know, what does she sound like?"
Kenley: "Grandpa says shut up to the dogs. Grandpa says 'shut up, dogs.'"

Dreams.

*Kenley hands me an ice cube tray with a wooden block in each slot...*

"Here, mom, I made your dreams come true!"

Grubby

Me: "You're grubby."
Kenley: "I not grubby, I Kenley."

A booger.

Me: "What'd you just eat?"
Kenley: "My dinner."
Me: "No, what'd you just put in your mouth?"

Kenley & I, in unison...

Me: "A booger?"
Kenley: "A booger."

Jimmy the Crooked

*While watching a Disney video...*

Me: "There's Jiminy Cricket!"
Kenley: "It's...  Jimmy the Crooked!"

Bath.

*After slathering herself head to toe in butt cream...*

"Definitely need to take a bath."

Problem.

"I got a problem. It's under my butt."

Dirty Grandpa.

*In response to dirty floor and Grandpa walking in the house...*

"Here comes my dirty Grandpa."

Bath.

*Grandma gets up from a nap with hair all over*

Grandma: "Did you have a bath last night? Your hair smells good."
Kenley: "Grandma, your hair needs a bath."

Booby.

*Picks up a nursing pad*

"Can you put this on your booby?"

Annoyin'.

Kenley: "Grrrrrr."
Me: "What are you growlin' at me for?"
Kenley: "Cuz you're annoyin' me."

Annoying.

In response to her baby cousins crying...

"These babies are annoying!!"

Broken Legs.

Kenley: "Dad, can you feed me?"
Daddy: "Why can't you feed yourself?"
Kenley: "Because I got broken legs!"

Pick Up.

Kenley: "Oh please, can you pick me up, Dad?"
Dad: "I thought you wanted a banana."
Kenley: "Pick me up with the 'nana."

English.

 *Kenley somehow manages to click on a Russian version of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on YouTube...*

"This doesn't sound English!"

Baby Bone.

*Kenley spies the barley teething biscuits up in the cabinet...*

"Mom, you gotta give Adley a baby bone."

You're weird.

"Dad, I love you, but you're weird."

Hair pull.

Me: "Kenley, sit down, please."
Kenley: "Serious? Do I need to pull your hair?"

New boobies.

*Kenley picks up a bra I'd just bought...*

"Mom! Its your new boobies, mom! You got new boobies!"

Don't touch.

Me: "Don't touch the fan please."
*Points at me with both pointer fingers while thumbs are touching*
Kenley: "You're not gonna spank my butt...   ever."

I'll wait.

Kenley: "Mom, will you get my Dora movie?"
Me: "Hold on, let me finish going pee."
Kenley: "Okay, I will stand right here and wait."

Silly.

Me: "Do you want to watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?
Kenley: "I don't want to. It's real silly."